


Keep an eye on your boy

by Fredagsmys



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-31 17:58:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21149855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fredagsmys/pseuds/Fredagsmys
Summary: Oliver finally finds out about Connor's suicidal thoughts from past seasons.Set somewhere during early season 5





	Keep an eye on your boy

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I started writing this during the summer and I just wanted to post it finally, so there might be (aka will definetly be spelling errors).  
Anyway I hope you enjoy

  
Oliver was sorting through some emails at his desk at C&G. It was late and all he wanted was to go home, but he needed to get this done first. Connor had left early, saying he didn't feel well, but in classic Connor-fashion he had told him not to worry. It was growing into an increasingly common occurance but Oliver didn't think much of it. He was almost ready to leave when Annalise walked by.

  
"Where's Connor?" She asked. "I need the witness reports he collected."

"He went home early, didn't he tell you?" Oliver frowned. "He wasn't feeling well."

Annalise frowned as well. "No he didn't say anything...but he's been doing that a bit lately"

"Yeah he's stressed or in one of his funks I quess." Oliver shrugged.

"You know, you should probably keep an eye on him." Annalise said and started walking towards the elevator.

Oliver followed her, confused.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying you should keep an eye on him. Didn't you know he came around to my apartment last year saying he wanted to die?"

"What are you what when?"

"Just make sure he doesn't do anything, and tell him to send me the reports".

The elevator arrived and Annalise stepped into it, leaving Oliver alone in the hallway. His head was spinning, what was Annalise talking about? He had to talk to Connor.

* * *

  
He drove home a bit past the speedlimit and hurried inside, where he found Connor in living room, seemingly studing.

"Hey Con" he approached softly. "Can I ask you something?"

  
Connor looked up from his book. "Yeah shoot"

Oliver, now feeling very anxious, winced slightly at the choice of words but continued on. "How are you? Like really?"

"I'm doing fine...I just had a headache but it's better now. Why are you asking?"

"It's just...Annalise told me about last year."

Connor raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"That you'd said you wanted to, you know, die?"

Connors eyes fell. "And you believed her?"

"It makes sense i guess"

"You guess?"

"Just tell me if it's true!" Oliver exclaimed.

"Maybe" Connor mumbled and looked away.

"So it's true!" Olivers voice filled with distress."You never told me..."

"I didn't want to bother you." Connor shrugged.

"You don't think I'd wanna know my boyfriend was suicidal?"

"It's no big deal I never did anything"

"Of course it a big deal!" Oliver put his head in his heads. "How can you even think that it wouldn't be?!"

Connor didnt answer. He just bit his lip and looked at his hands, feeling slightly ashamed. He knew Oliver would probably be the only one who really cared if he was around or not, and even then, he'd be perfectly able to find someone who wasn't a murder-accomplice. 

"How long?" Oliver didn't look up either, but he had to know.

"I um...it was just on and off with Wes and flunking out and everything you know..." Connor swallowed.

"Did you ever...try?"

"No i just ...there was a bus and i...thought about it?" He shuddered slightly at the memory of the headlights getting closer.

Oliver swallowed hard. "And w-when was that?"

"When I went running for a couple hours before Annalise's hearing" Connor said, looking at the floor.

"Why didn't you tel-, nevermind, was that the only time?"

"Well I had some pills but I never even opened them, I promise."

"And when was that?"

Connor didn't answer. He just continued to stare at his shoes.

"Connor, When?" Oliver demanded.

"A couple weeks ago..."

Oliver couldn't hold the tears back anymore. He just let them fall silently as he embraced his boyfriend. "Do you still feel...?" He tried to ask but trailed off.

"I'd lie if I said the thought didnt linger sometimes, but you make it all worth it"

"You need other reasons to live than just me." Oliver still had tears slowly rolling down his face, trying to rub circles on Connors back.

"I'm working on that"

"I'm not sure I believe that."

Connor didn't answer.

"Did it start with Wes?" Oliver asked instead.

"Not really, but thats when it got like, bad." Connor winced at the memory of the body lifeless on the floor."But there was Sam and Sinclear and i just...so many bodies" His breathing got faster. "And I covered it up but we're so fucked and its my fault and...and I just"

"It's ok it's ok" Oliver tried to soothe him.

"And Pax fucking killed himself because of me"

"It's not your fault Connor, his lies would have been uncovered sooner or later"

Connor didn't answer, he just started laughing. It quickly grew hysterical and eventually turned into crying onto Olivers shoulder, his walls finally breaking.

"I can't believe you've been dealing with this for so long and I didnt even notice."

"It's ok...I didn't want you to notice." He choked out between sobs.

"Now please tell me you got rid of the pills?"

Connor stayed silent again.

"Then thats what we're doing tonight."  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Neither of them got much sleep that night despite them both being exhausted from all the crying. But somewhere around 3am Connor finally drifted off, snuggled up against Oliver. Oliver however, decided to just pull an all nighter and grabbed his laptop.

Reasearching affordable nearby therapists gave him major flashbacks to when he thought Connor had a drug addiction. He had told himself he wouldn't get invested, yet he had been sitting for hours looking at different rehab facilities, none of which he had ever dared to mention to Connor. This time however, he wouldnt be so shy.

After looking through a couple of websites he made sure to hide the pills somewhere Connor couldn't find them, and promised himself he would go return them to a pharmacy first thing next morning. He even contemplated raiding the kitchen of knifes but decided that that was probably overreacting and Connor would be pissed. Not to mention the fact that there were others living in the house with them who would want to know why, and Connor hadn't actually attempted anything.

He eventually settled for laying down next to him and drifting off to a restless sleep.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"I'm signed you up to a therapist, you have no say."

The next morning rolled around quick, and no matter how little they had slept they still had to get ready for work.

"Ollie, I'm not gonna do anything" Connor reasured him as he poured his coffe into the cup.

"I don't know if I believe you. Also I want you to get better regardless"

"I'm fine I stopped therapy years ago"

"I'm guessing that was before all this?"

Connor shrugged.

Oliver was getting emotional again. "Look, I love you. More than anything, and I really don't like to see you in pain."

"Maybe I dese-"

"No you shut up. You're getting help and thats final. If not for yourself please do it for me. I don't want to walk around scared you're gonna jump in front of a bus or shug down a bottle of aspirin."

Connor finally met his gaze again. "Fine...I'll try"  
\------------------------------------  
Removing the knives might have been overreacting, and that's exactly what Asher did the second he overheard Connor and Olivers conversation. He rummaged through their every kitchen drawer, taking every single sharp-ish object he could find. The memories of his dads death ran through his mind, and he refused to lose someone else.

Oliver didn't protest when he found him though, he just looked at him and said; "I'll tackle the bathroom cuppboard."

"Hold on, is he alone?"

"Yeah..."

"Michaelea! You're on Connor watch!"


End file.
